Jokes OF The Day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it’s so unknown that no ship ever comes near it. 10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come. As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit. She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes. She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. 😀 The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him. “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man. “It’s been 10 years,” he replies. With that, the woman reache...

  Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her underwear, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her underwear.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her bum that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, We...

  A husband and wife decided A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have lovemaking without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”. The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

  A doctor and a lawyer were talking A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

  A man is traveling through the jungle A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees – as long as he doesn’t make love his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does make love his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in. When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her. The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, “First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest. ” Being a strong man, the traveler th...

  This guy is walking with his friend This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.” The friend replies “How so?” “My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

  A man was sitting in a bar A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”